Recurring dreams: meaning and what makes them stop

A woman dreamt of her old school for eleven years. Always the same corridor, always the same door, with an exam behind it that she had not studied for. She told me almost apologetically, as if it were a quirk. I only asked whether the door looked the same every time. She thought for a long while. Then she said: no. It used to be shut. Since last year it has been standing slightly open.

That is the whole key to recurring dreams. Most people look at what stays the same and ask what the image means. I look at what changes.

A dream that comes once is a sentence. A dream that comes back is a conversation. And in a conversation, what counts is where it is going.

Why a dream keeps coming back

In my experience a dream returns because the thing it points to is still open in waking life. It does not have to be anything heavy. Often it is a question you are not asking yourself, a decision you keep putting off, a role you have outgrown and go on playing anyway.

My grandmother in Izmir used to say that a dream which comes three times wants to be heard. In Turkey you would tell such a dream to someone who wishes you well, beginning with “hayırdır inşallah”, may it mean something good. That is tradition, not science. But there is a shrewd observation in it: what is said aloud loses pressure.

Recurring dreams often follow a rhythm. They come before family visits, before deadlines, in autumn, around an anniversary. Some people have the same dream in every phase of life in which they have to prove themselves afresh. The occasion changes, the image stays.

It matters what a recurring dream is not. It is not a prediction. Missing the train for the tenth time does not mean something bad is coming. It means a subject is asking for attention for the tenth time.

What changes from night to night

This is where the real work starts. Read a recurring dream like two photographs of the same room taken a year apart. What has moved?

• The place. Is the house brighter, the corridor shorter, the water clearer?
• Your part. Are you still running, or do you stop? Are you watching, or acting?
• The others. Has someone joined or disappeared? Has the pursuer acquired a face?
• The ending. Do you wake earlier or later? Does the dream go one step further than last time?
• The feeling on waking. This is the most important change. Panic becomes annoyance, annoyance becomes tiredness, tiredness sometimes becomes curiosity.

If the image grows milder step by step, you are moving towards the matter in waking life, even if you have not noticed yet. If it grows tighter and more urgent, something has been left lying. If it stays exactly the same for years, ask yourself whether you really remember it precisely, or only the version you have got used to telling.

And as with all dream symbols: I only interpret what was really in the dream. A dream that has been told many times tends to gather additions.

The most common recurring dreams

These are the themes I hear again and again as dreams in instalments. For each I will tell you what to watch for when it repeats.

How to write down a recurring dream

A single dream needs a sheet of paper. A recurring one needs a list. Keep a page for this dream alone and enter every repetition, the dull ones too.

Go about it like this:

1. Write the feeling first. It disappears fastest, and it is what changes most clearly over time.
2. Write the dream as it was this time. Not “the school dream again”. Write it out, in the present tense, as if it were the first time.
3. Note the day before and the days after. An argument, a phone call, an appointment. After three or four entries you will see the pattern.
4. Mark every difference. An open door, a new person, another ending. Underline it.
5. Read the whole page once a month. One by one the entries say little. In a row they tell a story.

When you tell me a dream like this in the app, you say there that it recurs and how you felt on waking. Add what has changed since last time. That is what I read it by.

What usually ends a recurring dream

The honest answer: rarely the interpretation alone. A dream usually stops when something moves in waking life.

• The matter is spoken. The conversation you keep postponing, the question to your mother, the no to your boss. Often it is enough to tell it to someone you trust.
• A decision is made. Not necessarily the right one, but one. Dreams of the missed train often stop in the week someone finally books, resigns or says yes.
• You act differently in the dream. You turn round, you open the door, you hand in the paper blank. Some people find it helps to picture calmly, before falling asleep, how the dream ends differently this time.
• The occasion passes. The exam is sat, the move is done, the year of mourning is over. The dream does not say thank you. It simply stays away.

Sometimes it takes its leave with one last, altered version. The woman with the school eventually dreamt that she walked through the open door and the room was empty. No examiner, no papers, only sun on the desks. After that the dream did not return.

A dream comes back as long as it has something to say. It falls silent once you have answered.

When it is more than a dream

Now something that matters to me. Dream reading is tradition and an occasion for reflection. It is not psychology and not medicine, and there are dreams that do not belong with me.

Look for medical or therapeutic help if

• a nightmare wakes you several times a week, or this goes on for weeks,
• you dread falling asleep or keep putting off going to bed,
• the dream replays something that really happened to you: an accident, violence, a loss,
• the images follow you through the day, or you are exhausted and low,
• you lash out or shout in your sleep, or cannot move when you wake.

That is not weakness, and not a sign that something is wrong with you. There is good, well-tried help for distressing nightmares, and a family doctor or a therapist can show you the way to it. Looking up a symbol would be the wrong thing in such a case.

For all the other dreams, the stubborn, odd, faithful ones: write them down, look for the difference, and be patient. They are patient with you too.

Frequently asked questions

Why do I keep having the same dream?

Mostly because the thing the dream points to is still open in waking life: a decision, a conversation, an old role. The dream repeats until something about it moves. Notice when it comes.

Are recurring dreams a warning?

No. They are not predictions and they do not announce misfortune. They show that a subject still wants attention. Tradition says a dream that comes three times wants to be heard, nothing more.

What does it mean to keep dreaming about the same person?

It is seldom about that person and mostly about the time or the feeling they stand for, or something unsaid between you. Look at how they behave in the dream and whether that changes from one time to the next.

Do recurring dreams stop by themselves?

Often yes, once the occasion has passed or you have settled something in waking life. Some take their leave with one last version that ends differently from all the others.

I have had the same dream since childhood. Is that normal?

Many people tell me this. Such dreams tend to return in phases when you feel much as you did back then. Write down in which situations it turns up. You will find more themes in the dream interpretation section.

When should I see a doctor about recurring nightmares?

When they wake you often, cost you sleep, weigh on you during the day, or replay something you really lived through. Then a doctor or a therapist is the right person to see, not an interpretation.