Dreaming about your ex: what it means and what it does not
When your ex walks through your dream, the dream is almost never about your ex. It is about something of yours that this face is carrying for you.
You wake up and for a few seconds everything is as it was. The voice, the way he held the cup, the kitchen you no longer live in. Then the present comes back, and with it the question: why now? It has been two years. Or ten.
Dreams about an ex are among the most common I am told, and among the most misunderstood. People are ashamed of them, or they take them for a sign and reach for the phone. Both are usually wrong.
I read such a dream the way I read any other, as I explain in dream symbols: first the feeling on waking, then the images that were really there. And I will be honest with you about what a dream cannot know.
Why you dream about your ex
A former partner is a face your memory knows by heart. The night uses familiar faces to show familiar feelings. In thirty years I have found four reasons that return again and again, and a fifth that is less romantic.
- An unfinished feeling. There was no real goodbye, or one sentence was never said. Anger that had no place, thanks that came too late. The dream goes back to the spot where something was left open.
- A quality you miss. Not the person, but something that existed around them: being light, being wanted, laughing at breakfast, or the person you were at twenty six. Ask yourself what you had then that is missing today.
- A pattern that is repeating. You are in a new relationship, or in a new job, and something feels as it did back then: you go quiet, you adapt, you wait for a message. The dream takes the old face because it belongs to the old feeling.
- An anniversary. The date you met, the month you separated, a birthday. The body keeps a calendar that the head has long thrown away. A song, a street or a scent can do the same.
- Yesterday. You saw a photo, heard the name, walked past the old flat. Arabic tradition has long distinguished the clear dream from the muddled one that only repeats the day. Some dreams of an ex are exactly that, and that is all they are.
Which of these fits, your waking feeling will tell you. Longing points to the second reason. A tight throat points to the first. Irritation, surprisingly often, to the third.
Does it mean your ex is thinking of you?
No. I say it plainly because the opposite is repeated everywhere, in Turkey too: if you see someone in a dream, they are missing you. It is a lovely sentence and I understand why people hold on to it.
But a dream is made in you, from your memories and your feelings. I know of no way to read from your dream what is going on in another person’s head, and I would be lying if I claimed one. Your ex may be thinking of you or not. The dream does not know.
What the dream does know is how things stand with you. That is less exciting and far more useful. It also means that a dream is no reason to write at three in the morning. More on that below.
Dreams about an ex: the variations
Getting back together
The most frequent form, and the one that confuses most. It seldom shows a wish to have this person back. Usually it shows a wish to have a state back: closeness, security, being chosen. If you woke up relieved that it was only a dream, you have your answer.
Arguing
Something was not said, and the dream says it at last. Listen to your own sentences in the dream, not to your ex’s. They often contain exactly what you swallowed at the time. If you woke up lighter, the argument has done its work.
Your ex with someone new
A sting, even when you no longer want them. It is rarely jealousy of the new person. It is the feeling of having been replaced, or the fear of standing still while others move on. Look at where in your life you are comparing yourself at the moment.
Your ex ignores you
They walk past, look through you, do not answer. This dream is about being seen. Somewhere, perhaps nowhere near love, you are not getting an answer right now. Sometimes it is also a kind dream: the door really is closed, and a part of you has understood it.
Kissing or sleeping with your ex
Closeness, not a plan. Dreams of this kind come particularly often when physical closeness is missing in your present life, or when you miss feeling desired. They do not make you unfaithful, and they need no confession.
Your ex apologises
You hear the sentence that never came. This is your own wish for an ending, and at the same time a sign that you are ready to stop waiting for it. Many people tell me that after this dream the subject became quieter. The apology came from you, and it counted.
A first love from long ago
Someone from school, twenty years back. Here it is almost never about the person. It is about who you were: braver, more open, less careful. The dream asks how much of that you could have again.
If the former partner you dream of has died, the dream belongs to a different chapter. I write about that in dreaming of someone who has died.
Dreaming of your ex while happy in a relationship
This is the version that brings the most guilt, and it deserves the least. You are content, you love your partner, and in the night someone from before sits at your table. It does not mean that you love secretly, that you chose wrongly or that you owe anyone an explanation.
Often it comes precisely when things become serious: moving in together, an engagement, a child. A new step calls up the old chapters, as if the mind wanted to check once more what it has learned. That is thoroughness, not doubt.
Sometimes, though, the dream does point at something. If the ex in the dream gave you what you are missing now, attention, lightness, a conversation that goes deep, then take that seriously. But talk with your partner about the thing you miss, not about the dream. “I would like us to laugh more again” is a sentence a relationship can work with. “I dreamed of my ex” mostly only hurts.
Must you tell it at all? No. A dream is not an act. If you want to look at where the two of you stand, a calm look from outside can help: the tarot relationship spread with five cards asks exactly that, what lies between you and what helps.
When the dream about your ex keeps coming back
A dream that returns is patient with you, and it is read differently from one that came once. Watch what changes from one night to the next. Is the ex further away this time? Do you speak, where before you were silent? Small shifts like these show that something is moving.
Write it down each time with the date. After a few entries you often see a rhythm: always in the same month, always after a visit to your parents, always when the new relationship has had a quarrel. The rhythm says more than the content. I describe this in more detail in my article on recurring dreams.
And one thing I want to say clearly. If your former partner hurt you, frightened you or controlled you, and the dreams come as nightmares from which you wake with a racing heart, that is not a matter for symbols. Then your memory is working on something heavy, and you deserve a person at your side: a therapist, your doctor, a counselling service. A dream in which this person pursues you is not a sign that they will return.
What to do with the dream
- Write down the feeling before the story. Longing, anger, relief, shame. One word.
- Ask the one question. Not “what does he want from me?”, but “what did I have then that I do not have now?” Or: “where does my life feel like it did then?”
- Write the letter and do not send it. Everything that was left unsaid, on paper, by hand. Then put it away or burn it. In Turkey a heavy dream is told to running water so that it carries it off. The letter works the same way.
- Wait three days before you get in touch. If after three days there is still a clear, calm reason to write, you can decide with a cool head. In my experience the wish has usually gone by the second morning.
- Give the missing thing a place today. If it was lightness you miss, plan something light this week. That is what the dream came for.
If you like, write the dream to me in the app and tell me how you felt on waking and whether it has come before. I interpret only what was really in it. You will find more images of the night in the dream interpretation section. And if it is the present relationship that occupies you, you may also want to read what coffee grounds say about love.
The night borrows an old face to say something new.
Frequently asked questions
Does dreaming about your ex mean they miss you?
No. The dream is made from your own memory and tells of your own feelings. Nobody can tell from a dream what another person is thinking, and I would not trust anyone who promises it. Read the dream as a message about yourself, and it becomes useful.
Why do I keep dreaming about my ex years later?
Usually because something from that time is touched again now: an anniversary, a similar situation, or a quality of that period that you miss. It rarely means that you are not over the person. Note the dates of the dreams, a pattern often shows itself within a few weeks.
I dreamed of my ex although I am married. Do I still love them?
Most probably not. Such dreams come often before or after large steps in the present relationship and show that the mind is sorting old chapters. Only if you wake up again and again with real longing is it worth asking what exactly you are longing for.
Should I contact my ex after a dream?
Not because of the dream. Wait three days and check whether there is a reason that would hold without it. If something really needs clearing up, a calm message in daylight is better than one written straight after waking.
What does it mean when my ex wants me back in the dream?
It shows your wish to be wanted, or your wish to hear that the separation was not your failure. It is not a forecast of what your ex will do. If you woke up glad, ask yourself where in your life today you would like to be chosen.
Is it normal to dream about an ex who treated me badly?
Yes, and it is no sign that you want to go back. The memory works on what was heavy for a long time. If the dreams frighten you or return often, please talk to a therapist or your doctor about them.